and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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