how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
