Need sex. Gaining weight.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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