I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
