you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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