My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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