so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
His nipple licking is glorious
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