We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
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