To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
