Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
She has the best kind of daddy issues
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
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