I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
