Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
did i walk over a car last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
