You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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