no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
