i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
