I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
