Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
