why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
They have beer where we have blood.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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