Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
