Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize