so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
