i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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