And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
