Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
