90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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