Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
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driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
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Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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