I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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