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I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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