I'm lost and stupid without you.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
23 Fathers Confess The Best Way They’ve Messed With Their Daughter’s Boyfriend
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee