Old men and throwing up are my life now.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.