For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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