You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
