True but thats because hes a fetus.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Randomize
