ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
We have started to decorate penises.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
