i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
i've created a new STD.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize