I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
