she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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