When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You pole danced in your parka.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
