new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
