what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
