Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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