On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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