Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
