I wish my penis had an off switch
I CAN MOONWALK!
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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