five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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