Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
