I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Randomize
