my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
