there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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