me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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