I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize