I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
