i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Randomize
