i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
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I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
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First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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