I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize