i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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