Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
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She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
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Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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