my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
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This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
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btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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