my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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