Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
