but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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