So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
