my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
