I threw up into my coffee this morning.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
