I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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