Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
