This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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