I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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