By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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